I Fxxked Up. But I Came Out Good.

I look back at my life sometimes and honestly… what a mess.

Not just a little messy either. Proper chaos. The kind where you wonder how you even got there.

Wrong men, too much drinking, smoking, saying yes when I meant no, and staying far longer than I ever should have. And I used to sit there thinking, why am I like this? Am I broken, or just really bad at making decisions?

Turns out, I had ADHD and didn’t know it.

So instead of understanding myself, I just thought I was too much. Too emotional. Too impulsive. A bit of a liability if I’m honest.

And the men…

Some of them were absolute twats. But here’s the part I’ve had to be honest about. I stayed.

I knew something wasn’t right. You always know, don’t you? That gut feeling is there, quietly trying to get your attention. But I ignored it. Every time. I told myself I was overthinking, that it would get better, that I just needed to give it more time.

And this is where ADHD comes in, because you don’t ease into things. You’re in. You feel it first and think about it later. So by the time your head catches up, you’re already attached, already trying to make it work, already invested.

The “bad boy” thing… I’ve thought about this a lot. Why did it feel so good at the start?

Because it wasn’t calm.

It was up and down, hot and cold, one minute amazing and the next you’re questioning everything. And that feeling hooks you. At the time I thought that was love. Now I can see it was just the feeling.

Same with the drinking and smoking. I used to think I had no discipline, but my brain never really switched off. It was always on, always thinking, always feeling. So anything that took the edge off, I went to it. It made sense at the time. It just didn’t help me in the long run.

Those years were just messy. Trying to get things right but not really knowing how. Still getting on with life, but inside just winging it.

Then I met my husband, and everything slowed down. No games, no guessing, no drama. Just steady.

And I remember thinking, is this it?

Because it didn’t have that same intensity. It didn’t have that pull. But that’s because it wasn’t chaos. It was safe.

That’s the bit I didn’t understand before. I thought I needed excitement. I thought I needed that spark. But really, I just needed calm.

I didn’t fxxk up because I’m broken. I just didn’t understand myself.

I still feel a lot, I still overthink, and I still have my moments. But I see it now. And because I see it, I don’t keep choosing the same things. I don’t ignore my gut like I used to, and I don’t chase that feeling anymore.

So let me ask you this…

Have you ever known something wasn’t right, but stayed anyway?

Have you ever ignored your gut because you were already in too deep?

Have you ever called it love when really it was just the feeling?

You don’t have to say anything.

But if you’re nodding, you get it.